Showing posts with label literature. Show all posts
Showing posts with label literature. Show all posts

Saturday, June 24, 2023

Team Building

The Insufferable Inderjit piped up in the team building meeting:

“Individually, we are like fingers on a hand”,

holding his hand up with fingers outstretched,

“We have some use but are weak."

Then he balled his hand up:

“But if we unite, we are capable of great and powerful things”,

and proudly held up a fist.


That smartass Siddharth had to say:

“A slap's pretty powerful too."


The Insufferable Inderjit couldn't leave this challenge unmolested:

“Okay, you slap me as hard as you can, and then I'll punch you as hard as I can, and we'll see the power of teamwork.”,

as if them beating each other up in the meeting room proved anything about teamwork.


Siddharth was a skinny guy, so he put all his effort into a slap that they later said they heard down in the pantry. Inderjit collapsed, and the idiot never got up again. The slap had struck some sensitive nerve or blood vessel at an unfortunate angle, killing him instantly. Siddharth's still doing time in Parappanna Agrahara for involuntary manslaughter...


We got rid of an Insufferable Idiot and a Smartass in one team building meeting.

Metaphors were banned in office for a while though.


Sunday, November 26, 2017

Black Iceberg Part I

The black iceberg hovered motionlessly above the yellow sea.
It wasn't really hovering, but it seemed like that because 11/12ths of it floated above the surface. It defied most laws of physics that icebergs usually follow.
It maintained a steady temperature several degrees above freezing - it even looked warm.
Neither was it hard enough to crack the hull of a ship open, although this is not something any decent iceberg would boast about.

It wasn't much of an iceberg, but one couldn't really say it was anything else. Once in a while, its crystals would shift deep inside due to some minor change in temperature. On these occasions, it would let out a distinctly iceberg-like sound, something like a groan - mmrrooaaaaahh! Yes, there was no doubt it was a black iceberg.


While casting these doubts on the berg-ness of the black iceberg, you might have noticed I didn't say much about the sea-ness of the yellow sea. This is because one couldn't really conclude that it was a sea. In calm weather - like it was that day - the sea is so still that it might just be a desert. You could only tell which it was by dipping your hand into it. Your sense of smell would be of no use, since there are such things as salt deserts, which I am told smell of salt as well. Without a personal dip test, the placid shifting of the surface might just be sand sliding lazily across flattened dunes. It didn't help that the sea was yellow. 


I only assume it was a sea because there was a black iceberg in it.


Above the black iceberg, the sun shone warm white (which is a shade of yellow). The iceberg showed no sign of melting. Instead, it slowly turned in place until its largest surface pointed straight at the heat source. Of course, it did this without motive or deliberation; it was just a black iceberg, incapable of such scheming. It moved in the same way a boulder rolls down a hill one day of its own accord. The yellow sea did not resist, except for a few ripples, that seemed to stay in place rather than disappear after a while. The sun did not mind either, although a biased observer might say it shone a little harder at this cheeky display. The change in temperature on its surface shifted the black iceberg's crystals deep inside - mmmrrrroooaaaaahhh!


This latest groan was loud enough to wake me up.


No, this is not one of those fantastic tales where it turns out everything was a dream at the end, although those warrant a groan as well. What I meant was, I was lying asleep in my boat, and the black iceberg's groan woke me up as I floated nearby. I had to take in everything I have described thus far in a matter of seconds. The dull ache in my head distracted me from the possibly unusual scene. When you've spent enough time on the sea, you get used to a continuous head cold from all the moisture in the air. That morning was only my second week on the water, and the heavy feeling in my skull took up a lot of my attention.


As I said, the black iceberg wasn't even hard enough to crack the hull of a ship open. My little boat had escaped without any damage, even though it must have bumped up against the black iceberg more than once before I woke up. Though I had fallen asleep in the boat at sea last night, I did the dip test to check if this yellow expanse was still a sea - it was. I steered my boat close enough to jump onto the black iceberg, since I didn't want to get wet, and was tired of the boat.


A black iceberg of the right shape could easily be mistaken for a shark fin from a distance. This is because in the high seas, there are no objects nearby to compare the size of something. Anyway, in the case of a shark fin, there would be no objects nearby - at least not for long. 
The black iceberg I was about to climb onto was of the wrong shape, or perhaps its shape was the one I should call right. It was rounded at all edges, looking more like a black ice-cream than a black iceberg. In mid-hop, I was busy wondering what flavour a black ice-cream might have - grape? cola? liquorice? All these flavours existed, but none looked as black as the black iceberg. 


It was inevitable that I would lick the black iceberg after this - it was flavourless, just like ice. Unlike ice, it was much warmer, and black of course, but as if sensing the fresh doubts arising in my mind, it let out another groan - mmrrrooooaahhh! Yes, there was no doubt it was a black iceberg. 


The bending over to lick the black iceberg had moved the heaviness about in my head. The fresh assault of pain resulting from this, coupled with the deafening sound, kept me on my knees. I decided not to resist and flattened out, face down.


I hadn't only jumped onto the black iceberg for a change of scene. The fresh water supplies on my boat were almost over. Floating up to an iceberg in the middle of the sea, even a black one, is like a well tunneling its way toward you in the desert. I wondered if there was some way I could tether it to my boat, and tow it along behind me. Since only 1/12th of it was in the water, it seemed like this could be done pretty easily. I mentally ticked off what I would need - a long metal spike, a hammer and a length of rope. 


I had none of these. Before the current picked up, I would have to scrape off what I could into the water bottles on the boat, and leave the black iceberg behind.


I thought about this with my face down in the black iceberg. I couldn't be sure whether it was melting where my warm breath fell on it, or if it was just pressing down with the weight of my face. Either way, the position was not uncomfortable, with a depression that allowed my nose to point straight down. At that moment, in the middle of a yellow sea, I thought 
I'd much rather be on this black iceberg than that boat. 

No one was around to hear me say it. This was probably the first time those words had been spoken together in a sentence. Then I realised I had only said it in my head. The thought had perhaps been audacious enough to sound loud as well. My cheeks and lips worked against the black ice as I mouthed the words this time. My eyes were closed, but this was a new kind of darkness. No red glow outside my eyelids, nor the dark kaleidoscope of pulsing blood vessels on the inside. There were no sounds, only a private communication (with whom?) that a decision had been taken. Deep inside the black iceberg, its crystals started to shift. It was time to get up. 


I bent my elbows and placed my palms flat on the black ice on either side, preparing to push myself away. It felt like an infinite amount of energy was required to perform the next step - it was - but I managed after a few false starts. The blood rushed away from my head with the sudden lift, taking the ache with it temporarily. After a while, I could hear the yellow sea as it slid under the black iceberg. I started to open my eyes, only to realise they were already open. The darkness had just not gone away.


The heaviness returned to my head, but this was almost welcome as my mind spun with questions. The black iceberg groaned - mrrrroooahhh! - the sound was gentler now. The difference in temperature between the black iceberg's surface and interior must have reduced. There was a possibility that the sun had set while I was lying face down. This might just be a moonless, starless night I had awoken into. Not content with this wishful thinking, I crawled towards the edge of the black iceberg. I had to wash whatever must have got into my eyes. I cupped my hands in the yellow sea - was it still yellow? - and splashed the water onto my face. It had no effect. I rubbed my eyes until it felt like the lids would shear off, but no light came through.


My breath seemed to fill a void that was the sea and sky combined. The sound and touch and smell and taste of it didn't matter. The sea was yellow and the sky was warm white, but now they could be either - now they could be neither. The black iceberg was a crystallised (but not very hard) piece of this void, slowly turning in place. I was a directionless point on its surface. I only assume we were turning because the faint sound of splashing entered the periphery of my hearing. 


The sound filled me with an irrational feeling. The current must have picked up, and a pitch black night might actually have fallen. And it had brought the boat with it. The boat was the last familiar thing I had experienced that day. As the splashing came closer, I felt a strong urge to touch it again. I skirted the edge, with one arm brushing the slightly warm surface and the other outstretched. The boat would save me, my vision would return as soon as I got on it, this darkness would dissolve and the sun would be shining again. 


I was reminded of the first time I saw a pool as a child. I had jumped straight in to the deep end, exhilarated by the sight. It was the first time I was completely submerged, the whole world changed to the sound of shimmering and the burn of chlorine. This was followed by a heavy calm, as the pool rushed in at me from all sides, my instinctive thrashing too feeble to stop it. I would have drowned if my father hadn't plucked me out in time. Later, I was confused that something so inviting and unopaque could have smothered me to death. As a result, instead of developing a fear of water, I was intrigued by it, which only increased its attraction for me. This might explain why I was in the middle of a yellow sea, headache notwithstanding.


I tried to decide what had jogged this memory - the boat, that would rescue me like my father had, or the waters, that seemed to have lured me to betray me again. I stopped and listened, pausing between breaths to identify the direction the splashes were coming from. They still seemed faint. No - 
that would mean the movement was either far off or gentle. This sounded more like something muffled. Like something drowning. 

My still outstretched hand snapped back at this recognition. I knew now where the memory had come from. The splashes began to sink below the surface, but I could still feel the vibrations from beyond. They were less erratic, modulated by the viscous water. I wondered if I should or could jump in to help. The cliche of other senses heightening when one fails was only partly true. Not enough to risk leaving the black iceberg on a blind rescue mission (to rescue whom?). It felt oddly like someone was leaving me to my fate, rather than the other way around. I shouted out into the darkness. The effect was so sudden and jarring that I stopped short, not even registering what I had said. It just seemed like a loud incoherent sound, that was immediately swallowed up by the void. There was no echo, because there was nothing for the sound to bounce off, except the black iceberg itself. 

Monday, March 3, 2014

The Cursed

They sat apart, disgusted with the rest of the world that they looked down upon from their enlightened perch. They sat, because they saw nothing to stand for, nothing worth committing themselves to, except their own ideals, which had no use but to judge the world with.

While they sat, the world moved on, unmindful, precisely because it had no mind. They were aware of this, there was no way they couldn't be, and it was possible that this was at least partly the source of their disgust. There seemed to be no way of saving them, in fact, it was quite obvious they didn't consider themselves in need of saving, and perhaps they were right. There was no knowing, either way. It was much easier to let them be, however pathetic they might seem.

They were immortal, in that their rejection of this age and any other lent them a sort of detachment from time itself. They had no beginning worth tying themselves to, and no end worth fearing. Looking down at the oatmeal-coloured history of the world, they believed that they could see the distinct lack of pattern that everybody else had been content to wade in all their lives.

But they were also acutely conscious of their mortality in the more mundane sense of the word; their dialogue betrayed a sense of loneliness and acceptance of a fate quite terrible. The shared space they found themselves in gave them no sense of camaraderie, each sitting enamoured in a mirrored dome, and seeing only the desert with themselves in it.

Nothing surprised them any more, at least not since they realised that they knew everything - what they did not know must have simply not been worth remembering. The laughter and tears that seemed to make up the lives of those around them was met with scorn, although they could not be sure themselves if yearning was not mixed with it.

In this plane, courage had no place - the apparent sameness of all options removed the possibility of violent upheaval and the need to face or flee it. Looking at meaninglessness in the face required only the inability to feel despair, which came naturally to them.

In these circumstances, there was only one way to react - so they laughed. The world moved on, unmindful.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Any title would seem pretentious

Being asked to write 'creatively' fills me with the urge to be clever with language in the wrong ways.
I juggle with words/ In struggles with haikus/ And get cut off abr-
Acrostics Cause Reactions Of Similar Type In Contemplating Sentences.
Limericks challenge me to be clever
But though the rhyme scheme is forever
A-A-B-B-A,
It, to my dismay
Doesn't improve the text whatsoever.
My dissatisfaction with my attempts at poetry leads me to try my hand at hackneyed prose replete with words that don't 'sit' well together, and long sentences; the use of pretentious punctuation is also a temptation I fail to resist. I'm just lucky I've so far escaped the clutches of the Dreaded Capitalization of Important Words.
Attempting humour in creative writing is perhaps the hardest. Self referential text can only be funny for so long. After that, it is the style and timing that carries it forward. Too easily can something aimed at being funny start to become instructional and boring. Reading other greats of humour only demoralises me, which is as far from a humorous mindset that one could begin writing with.

Sometime's I try to isolate lines to make the sentence look profound, or just to make a fresh stab at the whole process, but that doesn't seem to work very well.

Then I try to turn back to using alliterations as taught to me, but it turns out I'm doing that wrong too. Thnak heavens for spellcheck though. With experience, I've learnt that sarcasm and obscure humour works best for me, and my best writing has elements of both. Now you know why this post is such a laugh riot. I've contemplated the use of emoticons in formal text as a new element, but it seems kind of preachy to suggest the desired reaction; I'd have the courage to get away with it in sneaky ways such as:(before parenthesis). 

Generally, I try to structure the body to flow from one sentence to the other, but I seem to have abandoned the basic benchmarks I set for myself in this case. This is an attempt at creative writing with a humorous bent. 
It is for the sake of it, and not with any subject in mind; perhaps therein lies the rub. Using quotes I'm not fully sure of the meaning or origin of is another trick I employ, come to think of it. Thus the whole thing becomes a confused mishmash of techniques, so I've effectively crossed out the 'style' and 'timing' that I just said carries humorous writing forward.

But I guess the best way we can deal with our failings, whether in creative writing or anywhere else in life, is not take them too seriously, and keep on going. Which is why I will never stop trying.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

"History is written by the Victors"

Scene 1. Ayodhya. Royal palace. Around 500BCE.

Bharat: Arrey bhaiyya Ram! Aap dakshin me kya dekhe?
Ram: Dakshin me humne ajeeb log dekhe, bahut hairy the, poore badan pe baal hi baal! Aisa laga sab bandar hain vaha pe!
Bharat: Matlab sab bandar hai south India me?
Ram: Er... Haan! Sab bandar hai!
Bharat: Tab to unke poonchh bhi hue honge? Bandar ki tarah?
Ram: Haan, haan, kyon nahi, kyon nahi! Poonchh bhi the, ajeeb bandariya bhasha bhi thi, Hindi-vindi to pata hi nahi tha unhe, jab ki kuchh shatabdi me voh hamari rashtrabhasha banegi!
Bharat: Lekin Valmikiji keh rahe the ki Hindi keval ek official language banegi, baki 17 bhashaon ke saath! Ispe to Gujarat High Court ki ruling* bhi hogi, kuch dhai hazaar saalon me!
Ram: Oho! Bada ismart ban rahe hain aap to! Itna ismart the, to yeh kyun nahi pata tha ki saare south Indians bandar hai? Hah? Hmm?
Bharat: Ram jaane...
Ram: Exactly! Ab yuddh jeeta kaun? Hum, na? To hamari baat maaniye, iske baad dakshin ke bhaluon ke baare me bhi batana hai..."

Exeunt.

"I'll tell you all about it when I'm back"
*The Gujarat High Court, on 25 January 2010, observed "Normally, in India, majority of the people have accepted Hindi as a national language and many people speak Hindi and write in Devanagari script but there is nothing on record to suggest that any provision has been made or order issued declaring Hindi as a national language of the country."

Monday, August 16, 2010

Before Anyone Else Says It

When someone expresses her/his irritation by making a lateral click (made by sucking the molars on either side of the teeth) and simultaneously opening her/his lips into a grimace, followed by a hissing intake of breath through the molars, let it be known that I first described it thus:

"She/he expressed her/his irritation by making a noise like a match being struck."

If you understood the sound I was talking about, you'd see that my way of describing it is elegant and accurate.
This could be shortened to the more abstract and colloquial

"Her/his mouth struck a match."

Hmmm, I wonder why I hear this sound so often.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

ART for slow PCs Part II

What I missed out mentioning in Part I was: You can't release the window as you drag it, so the whole drawing has to be done in one sweep. THERE! I'm glad I got that off my back, and I hope it doesn't hurt our relachandship.



And now,
(Contd. from previous issue) As she entered the bus, she was aware of a couple of eyebrows raising. She ignored them, though she was secretly thrilled at the attention. Now who will be the lucky one? she thought. Finally, her eyes rested on a thin guy in a black t-shirt, silently moving his head to the beat from his iPod, which she could faintly hear even from where she was standing.
She casually walked the aisle, like an out-of-work East European supermodel, and settled down with her bag in the seat next to him. She heard him audibly sniffing, unmindful of the fact that he could be heard. Her fruity perfume seemed to work as advertised. He fiddled with his iPod a little. Once she caught him taking a peek at her face. He turned away rapidly, but she knew he was checking her out.
She decided to give him a little thrill - as he changed tracks, she brushed against his arm as she straightened her bag. She felt his forearm tense, and smiled smugly at her ability to give this lesser creature some kind of joy.
Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Now this was too much - she hadn't given him any hints to try starting a conversation.
"Excuse me but my headphone cord is caught under your arm, could you move a little?"

I'll never understand the cold looks I get from strange women in the bus.